My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
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Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working