you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
He took my last fry, your honor
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals