My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
You Might Also Like
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
IT’S-A ME,
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.