1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
You Might Also Like
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I’m listening
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
yeah not falling for this one
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.