If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
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a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.