One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
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If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.