Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
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I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”