I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
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[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
look at me when i’m typing to you
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
…u ok Nintendo?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.