[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
You Might Also Like
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving