Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
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[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.