21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
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The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
#SCOTUS one-star review
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”