Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
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doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Finished stitching this today 😇