I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
You Might Also Like
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.