ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
You Might Also Like
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Who says great literature is dead?
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks