Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
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“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.