2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
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here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints