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When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.