Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
You Might Also Like
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them