I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
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[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”