my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
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The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
describing stardew valley
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
happy friday
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*