Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
You Might Also Like
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Stop being racist to kettles.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
RT if you know someone like this!!!
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?