Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
You Might Also Like
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies