I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
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At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee