When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
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Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Autocorrect completely socks
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Kids, do not try this at home!
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
how to have an accident 101
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.