My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home