I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
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Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.