Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
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*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.