Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
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“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.