Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
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gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.