Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
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I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
do u think theres a butter planet?
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?