a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
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mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Friends that check up on you >
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Florida man
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night