I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
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Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking