[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
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Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake