Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.