H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
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Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.