Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
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The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire