cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
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He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man