i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
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Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
How actors in movies eat their food
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.