Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
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[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells