“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
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30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
This is my cat’s medicine.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.