Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
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Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
podcasts
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”