I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
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There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.