her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
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If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.