good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
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The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
hmmm