So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
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i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah