Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
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Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
The internet is magic sometimes.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
2022 will be better than 2021
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet