Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
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Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Who.
Did.
This?
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’