I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
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Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I think I’ll stand
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.