*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
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[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.