My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
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“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.